• February 28th to March 3rd in Ft Lauderdale, FL.
ATTENTION ALL FUCK-SLINGING, WINE-DRINKING, BADASS MOMS!
If you’re currently experiencing life at the speed of 99 WTF’s an hour, you’ve come to the right place.
IF I HAD TO GUESS…
I’d bet that you’re over there hustling in your corner of the world today, trying to keep the house clean, the sink empty, and the laundry all done and folded (or at least taken out of the washer the first time it’s done!), with a bajillion other things in your head. Your hands are sore from wiping asses all day long, your back is sore from picking up Legos, toys and random shit off the floor, and your brain is sore from thinking…
Am I good enough?
Am I doing this right?
Am I being the mom that my kids deserve?
And the more perfect you strive to be, the more you get screwed.
Mom-life is exhausting... yeah, it's rewarding... but exhausting.
One attendee put it beautifully…
Raising kids is no joke (or maybe it’s all a BIG FAT joke but certainly not a very fucking funny one) – You do things you never imagined yourself doing – not in your wildest dreams. Pissy sheets, diaper blow outs, catching hot kiddie vomit in your bare hands…feeling like a volcanic asshole.
Dammit! You can’t even take a moment to shit or pee in peace without your kids banging on the door to let them in right at that moment (Noooo! Mommy, open up! The world is ending!).
I know, I know. You may be feeling bad talking about this, or in this case, secretly agreeing with me as you read this. Because you’re a MOTHER, as if that’s a secret code for a fucking Mother Teresa #Doeseverygoddamnthingperfectly or something.
You go to all sorts of lengths to prove yourself, don’t you? Jumping through countless hoops, putting so much onto your plate, busy working, busy running ALL THE ERRANDS, busy trying to show everyone that YOU GOT THIS.
As if that's not enough, ya might also have a "real job", as some husbands like to call it.
And guess what? You'll repeat the same shit tomorrow and the next day and the next with no real breaks... except your glass (or bottle) of wine in the evenings.
Some days, you just want to cancel your subscription to this mess!
(GOD! Why on earth did you sign up for this?!)
You’re a bad mom, aren’t you?
NO, YOU’RE NOT! AND HERE’S WHY.
As a mom, you’re expected to do everything, perfectly... all of the time. Just look at our society that says you should have a baby and then instantly be a size 6, breastfeeding, perfectly waxed, smile wearing Stepford Wife with your shit together 100% of the time!
The whole notion of right parenting (filtered images, perfect smiles, stainless attire, #blessed) is one GIANT mindfuck.
Who’s to say what is right? Is there a universal code of parenting conduct that most moms don’t know about? Because as far as I know (coming from the woman who’s been a mom her entire adult life), it’s just preposterous to expect things to be all sunshine and fucking rainbows.
NO MATTER WHAT…
● There will be days when you’re going feel down and let people down (BOOHOO! BIG DEAL)
● There will be days when you’re going to feel lonely and disorganized and one big hot mess…
● There will be days when you’ll look at yourself in the mirror and won’t recognize yourself anymore (bags under your eyes, flaky skin, and the same ol’ half-ass bun)…
MOMMA NEEDS A DAMN BREAK.
And no, not like a family vacation where you’re packing and planning and making sure everyone has sunscreen and three meals a day and their favorite teddy bear packed. Is everyone having fun? Are we making memories?
Don't get me wrong, your family is your LIFE and you'd gladly jump off of a cliff if it meant your family could live (I may or may not have gone over this exact scenario a time or two in my anxiety-laden moments), but DAMN a real vacation would be nice!
➢ One where you can be selectively selfish and put what YOU want first – OMG! THIS SOUNDS SO WRONG... and amazing! 1
➢ One where you can be your absolute fucking self every minute of the day – WITHOUT lingering guilt or judging eyes.
➢ One where you can just BE – WITHOUT following a schedule, picking up crumbs, or cleaning spilled drinks (or piss) off of the floor.
(Minus the meditation, yoga, candles, or some collective humming chanty-chant in a circle. Not that I’ve got anything against these things, but we’re not gonna MAKE you do anything. You can choose to do whatever the fuck you want).
Maybe you’ve never had a MOMCATION and it's reallly out of your comfort zone…
BUT IT FEELS RIGHT.
The good news is that you CAN make a choice to give yourself some time to relax, re-coop and rest for a few nights. Like REAL REST!
No asses to wipe, diapers to change, food to cook, places to go, meetings to attend... nothing. Just you and some new friends at a stunning location in complete solitude. You get to hear the sound of NOTHING.
Girl, do we have a trip for you!
The Drunk Moms Retreat is a 3-night, all-inclusive trip with a small group of women who know EXACTLY what you're going through as a mom, wife, caregiver and friend; because they're going through it too.
It's a chance for women from all walks of life to come together to have some fun and rest and celebrate US for once!
WHAT DO YOU DO AT A DRUNK MOMS RETREAT?
WHATEVER THE HELL YOU WANT!
Grab a beer and play some pool, chess (for you geeky bitches) or just chill on the couch without little people crawling up your ass. Watch TV, move around in a pair of slippers, or just give up and crawl back into bed.... oh and there's always an in house bar too. Let's not forget that!
You’re going to just BE. That’s it. Nothing else. No distractions. Nothing that demands your attention. No fatal attempts to prove yourself or conquer the whole world. You’ll just have the time, space and freedom to conquer… nothing. So each day, you’ll wake up and have the best day you can have. In a way that feels good to you. With women who are riding in the same boat.
"What if I get Bored?"
Maybe being “bored” is exactly what you need. The PLAN is that there is no plan! Because our day to day #Momlife is planned enough, dontcha think?
HERE’S HOW IT ALL GOES DOWN…
Get y'ass here. We check in at 5pm so grab your supplies before you get to the house cause we're having food that you don't have to pay for, cook or serve. What's better than that? You also don't have to cut anyone's food, spoon feed little people or serve yourself dead last. We’ll get to know each other, what we’re about, and make new friends (friends who understand us, instead of being judgmental bitches), Sweet right?!
You are the focus of the next few days.
Good morning (or afternoon) sunshine! Did you sleep well? FUCK YEAH! You did! No one insisting on chocolate milk at 3am, no pissy sheets, no deja-poo moments. You're well rested and excited to explore the area. Today is all about getting used to silence, stillness and peace. Unplug from the craze of daily life. You can head to the water, read, write or socialize with your fellow Drunk Moms at the (free) bar.
Amy is providing all three meals, snacks and drinks so you don't have to lift a fucking finger. In the evening, we'll have games, dancing and fun to celebrate your amazing-ness. Live it up, you beauty!
You can have as many horizontal life pauses as you want (yup! I’m talking about naps).
Breakfast is ready for you whenever you decide to roll your ass outta bed! Keep chillin' and enjoying the silence after another restful night. You could even get used to this! Wanna just wander around? Do it! Watch a movie? Why not! Take a hot bath without little fingers under the door, or maybe you've made some new friends and you want to go shop somewhere. Your call Felicia Freedom! The evening of Day 3, we'll celebrate an amazing weekend (CODE: drinks and laughter) and hopefully I won't have to hold anyone's hair ;-)
Experience a sense of sisterhood with women who totally GET you.
Leaving a place like this is going to be horrible. I won't lie. But you won’t be the same sleep-deprived, drained, flaky hot mess you were 4 days ago. Is life gonna be picture perfect when you go back? NOPE. Far from it. But the difference is, now you’re confident AF, well-rested, and fully recharged to be a supermom (with flaws and all). So, it's time to pack your stuff and head out to checkout before 10am…
Feeling joyful, energetic, and so damn ready.
YOUR INVESTMENT FOR THIS CRAZY AWESOME EXPERIENCE?
ONE PAYMENT OF $997
Wanna know what it feels like to actually have a MOMCATION?
(Photos of Brady, TX Retreat Ranch)
(Photos of Destin, FL Retreat)
YOUR INVESTMENT FOR THIS CRAZY AWESOME EXPERIENCE?
ONE PAYMENT OF $997
If you're anything like 99.999% of women on this planet,
you must be thinking…
"But I can't spend that much money AND leave my family, that's selfish of me. What will they do? Who will feed the little people? How will they survive without me?"
They'll figure it out, babe. Where there’s a will, there’s a way.
And if you’re feeling guilty about spending money on yourself (money that you could spend on your family)…
Honey! You’re the glue that holds your family together (literally), so if you’re not in the right mind, and if your body is constantly exhausted, and your brain numb with all the tedious tasks (that you didn’t do today, that you should be doing, that you will do), how on earth can you expect to be at the top of your game?
This investment is an incredible opportunity for you to see where you’re heading in life, how you feel about certain things, and what path-corrections you need to make to offer your family your BEST.
So it’s a WIN-WIN – you get to have the time of your life, and your family gets to have your BEST version.
AND!!! If you’re thinking…"Let’s just ditch this. I can plan a trip on my own for cheaper?"
Alright smartypants! I totally respect your enthusiasm, but there’s a teeny tiny problem.
Think about it! Have you ever organized a mom-cation before? The idea is great, the intention is there but will you really use energy that you don’t have to gather friends, find a location, organize food, do the grocery shopping and pull a girls weekend together on your own?
Umm…Nope! You won’t.
On the contrary, it’s SO MUCH easier to join The Drunk Moms Retreat that’s completely, 100% done-for-you…stunning location, scrumptious food, in-house bar, a small group of fellow moms, and LOTS of fun.
All you gotta do is just be there and enjoy!!
Your $997 Ticket Includes:
● 3 divinely peaceful nights at our luxury retreat location (this ain’t no Super 8!).
● Unlimited laughs and shenanigans (may or may not include dance parties, lip sync contests or staying in our jammies all day).
● All of your food, nonalcoholic drinks and even “mommy juice” so you don't have to cook, clean or serve people.
THE DRUNK MOMS RETREAT IS A ONE-OF-A-KIND EXPERIENCE
There’s nothing like this... anywhere. PERIOD. Where else can you walk into a group of strangers from all over the world and feel totally welcomed, connected and accepted for exactly who you are, as you are? Where else can you really feel joy and laughter, and hang out with a group of handpicked, badass bitches from all walks of life? Where else can you find this level of freedom, and expression, and LIFE?
WHO THE FUCK AM I?
Oh hey! I’m Amy, mom of 4 kids, a step-daughter, a dog, cat, a mouse named Samuel and some fish too. I’m the wife of one (the former wife of two) and the creator of The Drunk Mom, a comedy page that celebrates doing this mom thing the best we can, with lots of swearing and laughter and maybe a few drinks (or bottles).
You know how some days (okay fine! MOST days) you feel like life is beating the living crap out of you and no matter what you do, nothing and I mean N.O.T.H.I.N.G. seems to make any goddamn sense? Every day, you feel LESS like a human, and MORE like a character from The Walking Dead.
Yeah! I have been through the exact same situation, multiple times. I clearly remember disappearing into the mess of it all – the house, routines, expectations, disappointments, fuckups…
Now don’t get me wrong, I love (love, love, love) my family. My family is my whole world, the reason for my existence… yada yada, you get the idea, but somehow, at one point, it was all simply too much for me.
ENTER: the desperate need for self-care and self-development, AKA meditation, journaling, mantras, and a list of thousand affirmations. I waited and waited and waited some more…but like everything else in life, all of this seemed to fall flat on its face too.
I looked at myself in the mirror and I didn’t know who I was anymore. I looked dead tired. Like a ghost. To be honest, I was slowly dying from carrying the weight of all of the responsibilities, and the guilt of not being enough for my family. For myself. I felt like a complete failure.
So one day…
I took the kids to school – only to return to my empty house with a stronger than normal urge to disappear. Like, literally disappear from the face of the earth (you know where I’m going with this, dontcha?).
So I sat my ass down and started writing a letter, apologizing to my family for not being enough and ultimately, for leaving them behind. I then took an entire bottle of antidepressants (HA! The irony), ready to give up on everything and when I couldn’t hold my eyes open anymore, I called 911 to tell them I was an organ donor (because even in plotting my own death, I was still thinking about other people).
I woke up in the hospital to my husband holding a bag that I was puking into. I spent a week in the hospital, eating Jello at a psych ward and coloring on photocopied pages, asking about my feelings.
It was the highest level wake up call for me that my own health and happiness should be my top priority. Without that, my kids, husband, family and friends don’t get the best of me or maybe they don’t get me at all.
So if you’re feeling bad leaving your family behind and spending money on yourself to have some down time. You’re not alone. I get it. We all do. It’s like some shitty mom code. But here’s what I learned in the Fall of 2017 after my own suicide attempt, I have to feel good and happy in order to be the best mom that I can be.
And so do you.
After so many years of neglecting yourself and your needs, desires and dreams, what do you think is going to happen?? You’re going to be this happy, Mary Poppins-type mom? Ummmm, no.
One relaxing trip, many new friends and a lifetime connection. That’s what these retreats bring our attendees.
AND YOU DESERVE IT!
Admit it: Life’s no Disney fairytale.
It’s a fat ass bitch, like a wicked stepmother.
Motherhood is exhausting and isolating. So it’s ok to feel like disappearing somewhere. It’s ok to want something for yourselves. It’s ok to admit that you’ve had enough and give yourself a break.
The best thing you can do is make space for yourself once in a while, so your emotions, monotony and overwhelm don’t get the best of you.
Stop waiting to “be ready.” Or until you “have more time.”
Because more time?
IS A CROCK OF SHIT.
But you already know that, don’t ya?
Join now, because these trips sell out fast! There are only 2 scheduled for 2019 and the other is already sold out.
Hope to see you at a luxury property with a drink in hand soon!
QUESTIONS THAT MAY BE
POPPING IN YOUR MIND
Q1. Who is this retreat for?
Whether you’re a bored AF working mom or a crazy busy stay at home mom (or vice versa), if you’ve literally had it up to your eyeballs and need a fuckin’ break from life (and your friends probably suck at listening to your bitching or they just don’t exist), this retreat is for ya.
Rest, connection, laughter and fun. You will return home a better woman/ mom/ partner and will take lifetime friendships back with you.
Q2. WARNING!! You should probably close this window right now if…
You open your mouth and condescension and judgment flows like Niagara Falls. Cause let’s be honest, this is going to be a safe space for mothers who’ve literally had it with the bullshit. We don’t want anyone being a bitch and messin’ up the whole vibe, MMKAY?
Q3. What’s at stake if you don’t give yourself this break?
Shit will hit the fan. You’ll turn into this fire breathing potty-mouthed dragon that will threaten the entire human race!! Okay okay. Too dramatic, but listen… do you really wanna end up being a sad older-than-you-are lady who’s chock full of regrets, remorse and anger?
If you don’t take some time off NOW to connect with fellow moms and celebrate YOU, statistically speaking, you my sweet, are at risk of chronic depression, more anxiety, snapping at your spouse leading to a strained marriage or even divorce, and being short with your kids when they just want to snuggle in your bed to feel close to you (aww).
Life is hard, but you don’t have to make it harder. Choose wisely.
Q4. How long is the retreat and when does it begin and end?
We only hold 2-3 retreats each year and they sell out faster than a joint at a Snoop concert, so hurry and fill out your application!
UPCOMING RETREAT: February 28th to March 3rd in Ft Lauderdale, FL.
All Drunk Moms Retreats meet on Thursdays at 5pm and depart on Sundays at 10am.
Q5. “What will happen when I clickety click to join?”
Well, as soon as you click the button, you’ll be directed to the payment options and then you’ll be in there like a bikini in a buttcrack!
You be added to our secret Mommy Hideout (a private Facebook group) away from all the day-to-day mess, cozying up and getting to know each other.
All of the trip details will be shared in our private group.
Q6. “OMG! This sounds so exciting but… I don’t think I can spend $997 right now!”
Don’t fret it sister!
You can hop on a 6 month (with PayPal).
Just click below and you’ll be ready to roll.
YOUR INVESTMENT IS $997 FOR A LIMITED TIME ONLY!
• • • • •
**Because we reserve multi-million dollar properties, food and booze for months in advance with no refund, if you are unable to attend, we cannot offer refunds or cancellations for retreats. Trip insurance is available for emergencies and tickets can be sold to another party.*