You Are Exhausted... Right?

Mentally, physically, emotionally and what ever other "ally" you can think of. That's how you feel. 

Day in, day out. Get up early as Hell, get little people fed, dressed, groomed and hopefully out the door on time and hopefully without anyone losing their shit you included).

Any given day you:

  • Pay the bills
  • Do laundry
  • Cook (sometimes like a fucking short order chef)
  • Clean... the same things, all of the damned time!
  • Make appointments
  • Remember the adulty shit like taxes and car registration

As if that's not enough, ya might also have a "real job", as some husbands like to call it.

It's like groundhog day... every day you repeat the same shit over and over and over with no real breaks. 

Don't get me wrong, your family is your LIFE and you'd gladly jump off of a cliff if it meant your family could live (I may have gone over this scenario a time or two in my mom-anxiety-laden moments), but DAMN a break would be nice.

The bad news is that, depending on the number of kids you have, you've got approximately 18 years of this shit.

The good news is that you CAN make a choice to give yourself some time to relax, re-coop and rest for a few nights.

No asses to wipe, diapers to change, food to cook, places to go, meetings to attend... nothing. Just you and some new friends one a 100+ acre ranch in complete solitude. You get to hear the sound of NOTHING.

Aaahhhhhhh.

 

The Drunk Moms Retreat- Brady, TX is a 3 night (October 18-21), all inclusive trip with a small group of women who know EXACTLY what you're going through as a mom, wife, caregiver and friend; because they're going through it too.

It's a chance for women from all walks of life to come together to have some fun and rest together, and celebrate US for once! 

Cool, right?

So here's what happens now... you have a choice to make.

1. You decide that your happiness isn't worth the $997 ticket price and go on about your life just as it was before for the next (fill in the blank) number of years.

OR

2. You decide that you are worth every single Goddamned penny of the $997, all inclusive ticket price and then some, and say YES to 3 nights of heaven and peace, just for YOU

If you chose #2 (and I hope you did because you deserve time away) here's what you can expect:

You might feel anxious, excited and ready for 3 nights of peace, sleep and fun. You're on your way to The ALL INCLUSIVE Drunk Moms Retreat in Brady, TX (2 hours from Austin, TX)

You've never really done something like this before. You're joining other women, desperate for some fun and chill time, just like you, at a house... with Amy, The Drunk Mom!

Your stomach is in knots as you arrive at the house. Maybe this was a mistake, you miss your family already. What if the kids are sad? What if you don't like being away (insert laughter here)? What if the man child can't deal?

AND THEN...

Your car pulls up to a gorgeous house. Is this it? Yaaassssss, bitch, it is! You walk through the front door where Amy greets you with a glass of wine and a giant, awkwardly long hug.

You feel your shoulders drop and you can actually breathe again. This was the best choice ever and right now... you know it.

You tour the house, sipping your wine, feeling all of the FUCKS slowly leaving your body. Wow. This is awesome.

(Photos of Brady, TX Retreat Ranch)

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Feeling competitive? Grab a beer and play some pool, chess (for you geeky bitches) or just chill on the sectional, without little people crawling up your ass, watching TV... oh and there's a bar too. Let's not forget that!

The kitchen... oh who gives a burning bag of shit... we aren't cooking, everything will be delivered to us. Grab a snack and a drink and head out to the water.

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Ahhh, you hear that? That's fucking silence. Enjoy that shit.

"What if I get Bored?"

First of all, fuck you for thinking being in my presence would ever be boring! Second, here's what we have loosely planned out (the PLAN is that there is no plan):

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Day 1

Get y'ass here. We check in at 5pm so grab your supplies before you get to the house cause we're having a group dinner that you don't have to pay for, cook or serve. What's better than that... you also don't have to cut anyone's food, spoon feed little people or serve yourself dead last. YOU are the focus of the next few days. Sweet.

Day 2

Good morning (or afternoon) sunshine! Did you sleep well? Hell yes you did! No one insisting on chocolate milk at 3am, no pissy sheets... You're well rested and excited to explore the area. Today is all about getting used to silence, stillness and peace. You can head to the water, lay by the pool, read or socialize with fellow Drunk Moms.

Amy is providing all three meals, snacks and drinks on Friday so you don't have to lift a fucking finger. In the evening we'll have games, dancing and a party to celebrate your amazing-ness. Live it up, beauty.

Day 3

Breakfast is ready for you whenever you decide to roll your ass out of bed! Keep chillin' and enjoying the silence after another restful night. You could get used to this! Wanna explore the caves on the property? Do it! Take a stroll? Yes! Watch porn (no judgement)! Take a hot bath without little fingers under the door? Or maybe you've made some new friends and you want to go shop somewhere. Your call Felicia Freedom!

The evening of Day 3 we'll celebrate an amazing weekend (CODE: drinks and laughter) and hopefully I won't have to hold anyone's hair ;)

Day 4

Leaving a place like this is going to be horrible. I won't lie. But you'll miss your little shits and maybe even your man child (if you have one) so it's time to pack your shit and head out before checkout at 10am.

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Wanna come but have questions?

Yeah, duh. Okay here are more details:

 

  • What do I have to pay for?
    • Your retreat ticket, air fare or car to get to the retreat house and anything special you'd like to bring (like if you just have to have Dill Pickle potato chips or something else equally as gross). If you want to shop and shit, obviously you can do that too but you COULD get to the house and not have to pay for another thing. All meals and non alcoholic drinks are provided for you and your booze is covered within reason;)
  • Where do I fly?
    • The nearest Airport is Austin, TX which is a two hour drive. Anyone in close proximity is welcome to take a road trip
  • Can I make payments?
    • Absofuckinlutely.
  • What if my husband won't let me go?
    • Uhhhh I'm not sure how that works. I prefer the don't ask permission, "beg for forgiveness" method... minus the beg for forgiveness part ;) Here's the deal, if you feel your soul saying "yasss bitch, do this. We NEED it," I trust that you'll figure out how to make it happen (ehem, abstinence anyone?!)
  • Do I get my own room?
    • Fuck, I'm delivering you a 3 night stay in a cool house, food, snacks, non alcoholic drinks and a booze fiesta on Friday night (plus, ehem... hangin' with THE Drunk MOM). What more do you want?! While this house has plenty of space and bedrooms, some of those are kings so we will be bunking up in some cases. Bonding, baby, but trust me, no one will give a shit at the end of the day. If you don't like your sleeping quarters, grab a blanket and head to the nearest bathtub or couch. The Drunk Mom reserves the top of the grand piano and/ or bar :)
  • I don't think I can afford it.
    • Cool. I get it. But be sure that's really TRUE that you can't pay for the trip over time and you're not just denying yourself happiness out of MOMGUILT, mmkay? If this isn't a HELL YES for you, it's a no and honestly, I'd rather you not come.
  • I don't like drama, what if that happens?
    • When you reserve your spot, you'll be given a contract that everyone has to sign. Being a cunt is on the list of don'ts. Anyone who can't act like a decent human for 3 days will be booted with no refund.
  • Can I get a refund if I can't come because (insert lame excuse here)
    • No. Next question ;) The house is reserved with no refund and if you've bought a ticket you've taken a spot from someone who wanted to be there. If you have an emergency, you can sell your ticket to an approved replacement.
  • Can I bring my kid/ spouse/ friend/ pet?
    • Negative, Sally. And unless your friend went through the application process and got the acceptance email she can't come either. The group of cool kids is approved by The Drunk Mom team and we don't want to ruin that vibe.
    • I don't want to pay for the retreat, can I just swing by and say "hi"?
      • No, but thanks for asking.

    Welp... here we are, sister.

    Decision time. Your heart is racing and you just KNOW it's going to be the time of your life (and you're right). The sweeping Texas landscapes, silence by the pool, rest by the river, girl time dancing to 80's music...

    And SHIT, if you're tired down to your soul, the choice is yours to make.

    But be sure to fill out your application now so you don't miss this!

    Brady, TX dates are October 18-21

     

    AS soon as you pay your deposit (or in full), you'll be added to our private Facebook group where we'll share all of the details and get to know our new friends before the event in October.

    We're waiting for you!

     

    ~Amy