You changed after you had kids, didn't you? Forgot who you were before you were "MOM"? Don't really know how to have an adult conversation without kids interrupting every 10 seconds? Aren't sure how to make new mom-friends without feeling awkward as fuck?
Maybe you find it strange to go places ALONE because the concept of NOT having people less than 3' tall firmly wedged in your ass at all hours is just foreign. And if you finally do get away for 2.8 seconds (like to the grocery store, woohoo!) you feel like you're missing something or someone. Looking around like a lunatic for kids who aren't there.
Momma needs a damn break.
But even family vacations are work for us moms. Packing and planning and making sure everyone has sunscreen and three meals a day and their favorite teddy bear packed. Is everyone having fun? Are we making memories?
Momlife is exhausting... yeah, it's rewarding... but exhausting.
Day in, day out. Every. Single. Day:
- Pay the bills
- Do laundry
- Cook (sometimes like a fucking short order chef)
- Clean... the same things, all of the damned time!
- Make appointments
- Remember the adulty shit like taxes and car registration
- Take people places over and over and over again
As if that's not enough, ya might also have a "real job", as some husbands like to call it.
And guess what? You'll repeat the same shit tomorrow and the next day and the next with no real breaks... except your glass (or bottle) of wine in the evenings.
Don't get me wrong, your family is your LIFE and you'd gladly jump off of a cliff if it meant your family could live (I may or may not have gone over this scenario a time or two in anxiety-laden moments), but DAMN a real vacation would be nice.
The good news is that you CAN make a choice to give yourself some time to relax, re-coop and rest for a few nights. Like REAL REST!
No asses to wipe, diapers to change, food to cook, places to go, meetings to attend... nothing. Just you and some new friends one a 100+ acre ranch in complete solitude. You get to hear the sound of NOTHING.
Girl, do we have a trip for you!
The Drunk Moms Retreat- Brady, TX is a 3 night (October 18-21), all inclusive trip with a small group of women who know EXACTLY what you're going through as a mom, wife, caregiver and friend; because they're going through it too.
It's a chance for women from all walks of life to come together to have some fun and rest and celebrate US for once!
If you're anything like 99.999% of women on this planet, you think "I can't leave my family, that's selfish of me. What will they do? Who will feed the little people? How will they survive without me?"
They'll figure it out, babe.
Wanna know what it feels like to actually have a mom-cation? Imagine with me:
Your stomach is in knots as you arrive at the house. Maybe this was a mistake, you miss your family already. What if the kids are sad? What if you don't like being away (insert laughter here)? What if the man child can't deal and texts you stupid questions like "where is the toilet paper"?
Your car pulls up to a gorgeous house. Is this it? Yaaassssss, bitch, it is! You walk through the front door where Amy, The Drunk Mom greets you with a glass of wine and a giant, awkwardly long hug.
You feel your shoulders drop and you can actually breathe again. This was the best choice ever and right now... you know it.
You tour the house, sipping your wine, feeling all of the FUCKS slowly leaving your body. Wow. This is awesome.
(Photos of Brady, TX Retreat Ranch)
What do you do now?
Whatever the Hell you want to!
Grab a beer and play some pool, chess (for you geeky bitches) or just chill on the couch without little people crawling up your ass, watch TV, take a walk and enjoy the scenery... oh and there's a bar too. Let's not forget that!
The kitchen at the ranch is... oh who gives a burning bag of shit... we aren't cooking, everything will be delivered to us. Grab a snack and a drink and head out to the water.
Ahhh, you hear that? That's fucking silence. Enjoy that shit.
"What if I get Bored?"
First of all, fuck you for thinking being in my presence would ever be boring! Second, here's what we have loosely planned out (the PLAN is that there is no plan):
Get y'ass here. We check in at 5pm so grab your supplies before you get to the house cause we're having a group dinner that you don't have to pay for, cook or serve. What's better than that... you also don't have to cut anyone's food, spoon feed little people or serve yourself dead last. YOU are the focus of the next few days. Sweet.
Good morning (or afternoon) sunshine! Did you sleep well? Hell yes you did! No one insisting on chocolate milk at 3am, no pissy sheets... You're well rested and excited to explore the area. Today is all about getting used to silence, stillness and peace. You can head to the water, lay by the pool, read or socialize with fellow Drunk Moms.
Amy is providing all three meals, snacks and drinks so you don't have to lift a fucking finger. In the evening we'll have games, dancing and a party to celebrate your amazing-ness. Live it up, beauty.
Breakfast is ready for you whenever you decide to roll your ass out of bed! Keep chillin' and enjoying the silence after another restful night. You could get used to this! Wanna explore the caves on the property? Do it! Take a stroll? Yes! Watch porn (no judgement)! Take a hot bath without little fingers under the door? Or maybe you've made some new friends and you want to go shop somewhere. Your call Felicia Freedom!
The evening of Day 3 we'll celebrate an amazing weekend (CODE: drinks and laughter) and hopefully I won't have to hold anyone's hair ;)
Leaving a place like this is going to be horrible. I won't lie. But you'll miss your little shits and maybe even your man child (if you have one) so it's time to pack your shit and head out before checkout at 10am.
Your ticket includes:
- 3 awesome nights at our beautiful retreat ranch, on 1000 acres (aka... peace and quiet)
- Unlimited laughs and shenanigans (may or may not include dance parties, lip sync contests or staying in our jammies all day)
- All of your food and non alcoholic drinks so you don't have to cook, clean or serve people
- Party drinks on Friday Night! (and other alcoholic drinks throughout the trip)
The retreat location in in between Brady and Mason, TX, which is about 2 hours from Austin. If you're planning on flying into Austin, be prepared for a gorgeous road trip to get to our retreat! There will likely be ladies ridesharing so don't stress.
Wanna come but have questions?
Yeah, duh. Okay here are more details:
- What do I have to pay for?
- Your retreat ticket of $997, your airfare and/ or car to get to the retreat house. That's it. All of your food and drinks (even the fun ones) will be provided for you. If you want to shop and shit, obviously you can do that too but you COULD get to the house and not have to pay for another thing. Your only job is to walk in the doors and CHILL.
- Where do I fly?
- The nearest major Airport is Austin, TX which is two hours away. Yep, we're going to be waaay out there in the country. There's also:
- San Angelo Regional Airport (70.4 miles / 113.2 kilometers)
- Killeen–Fort Hood Regional Airport (89.3 miles / 143.8 kilometers)
- Abilene Regional Airport (90.6 miles / 145.8 kilometers)
- Can I make payments?
- Absofuckinlutely. We have a killer payment plan of Six Monthly Payments of $139 (you'll pay a small application fee of $197 when you fill out your application)
- Is transportation included?
- No. We have women from all over coming to this retreat so your job is simply getting there... and we'll do the rest.
- What if my husband won't let me go?
- Uhhhh I'm not sure how that works. I prefer the don't ask permission, "beg for forgiveness" method... minus the beg for forgiveness part ;) Here's the deal, if you feel your soul saying "yasss bitch, do this. We NEED it," I trust that you'll figure out how to make it happen (ehem, abstinence anyone?!)
- Do I get my own room?
- While this house has plenty of space and bedrooms, some of those are kings so we will be bunking up in some cases. Bonding, baby, but trust me, no one will give a shit at the end of the day. If you don't like your sleeping quarters, grab a blanket and head to the nearest bathtub or couch. The Drunk Mom reserves the top of the bar :)
- I don't think I can afford it.
- Cool. I get it. But be sure that's really TRUE that you can't pay for the trip over time and you're not just denying yourself happiness out of MOMGUILT, mmkay? If this isn't a HELL YES for you, it's a no and honestly, I'd rather you not come.
- I don't like drama, what if that happens?
- When you reserve your spot, you'll be given a contract that everyone has to sign. Being a cunt is on the list of don'ts. Anyone who can't act like a decent human for 3 days will be booted with no refund.
- Can I get a refund if I can't come because (insert lame excuse here)
- No. Next question ;) The house is reserved with no refund and if you've bought a ticket you've taken a spot from someone who wanted to be there. If you have an emergency, you can sell your ticket to an approved replacement.
- Can I bring my kid/ spouse/ friend/ pet?
- Negative, Sally. And unless your friend went through the application process and got the acceptance email she can't come either. The group of cool kids is approved by The Drunk Mom team and we don't want to ruin that vibe.
- I don't want to pay for the retreat, can I just swing by and say "hi"?
- No, but thanks for asking.
Welp... here we are, sister.
Decision time. Your heart is racing and you just KNOW it's going to be the time of your life (and you're right). The sweeping Texas landscapes, silence by the pool, rest by the river, girl time dancing to 80's music...
And SHIT, if you're tired down to your soul, the choice is yours to make.
But be sure to fill out your application now so you don't miss this!
Brady, TX dates are October 18-21
AS soon as you pay your deposit and are accepted, you'll be added to our private Facebook group where we'll share all of the details and get to know our new friends before the event in October.
We're waiting for you!
P.S. I wish I could say that there will be more retreats in the future but the truth is, I don't know! We sold out Destin in two weeks and there will definitely not be more retreats scheduled in 2018. Sooo... if you want to join us for a once in a lifetime experience, DO NOT WAIT!!